Twilight Chatroom
by SingItForTheWorld
Summary: Cullen family on chatroom. 'Nuff said :D
1. Chapter 1

Twilight Chatroom

Chapter 1 – Screenames would be helpful, no? XD

Bella- Stupidlamb

Edward- Sickmasochisticlion

Jasper- Soldierboi

Alice- piXie

Emmett- SexyButt

Rosalie - IceRose

Carlisle- VampDoc

Esme - MommaEsme


	2. UDVED

soldierboi signed in

piXie signed in

stupidlamb signed in

sickmasochisticlion signed in

sexybutt signed in

momma~esme signed in

vampdoc signed in

soldierboi: hey all!

stupidlamb: hey jazz!

soldierboi: hey bells, whats up with edward?

stupidlamb: no idea, hes been like it all day. He wont even talk to me!

vampdoc: if you ask me he has a severe case of UDVED

sexybutt: what?!

piXie: sorry carlisle, we need to translate into emmett language...aka elephant talk!

vampdoc: UNDER...DEVELOPED...VAMPIRE...EMOTIONS...DISORDER

piXie: did you catch that emmett? And also...what is up with your screen name?!

sexybutt: the only way of answering that question would involve jasper having a heart attack cuz his beloved wife would hav seen her brother naked!

stupidlamb: you expect us to believe that your screen name is true?!

sexybutt: of course! The butt never lies! Now if u don't mind I hav some confidental business to attend to!

sexybutt signed out

soldierboi: is it just me or is it obvious that 'confidential business' is another word for sex in emmett language?!

all: yup, we agree!

piXie: what else would emmett do in his spare time?! ok, edward are you going to talk to us or just sit there listening to our conversation?

sickmasochisticlion: leave me alone!

piXie: if you wanna be left alone then why are you even on the chatroom?

sickmasochisticlion: stop interrogating me!

soldierboi: jeez! I can feel his emotions from my room and they aint pretty!

sickmasochisticlion: stop talking about me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

momma~esme: edward, you can talk to me, im your mom

sickmasochisticlion- fine! You wanna know what this is all about?! Look at youtube, its not hard to miss!

*all go on youtube*

soldierboi: holy shi-

momma~esme: JASPER WHITLOCK HALE DONT YOU DARE FINISH THAT SENTENCE!

soldierboi: what did I do?! It was emmett

momma~esme: dont you try to pull a fast one on me, emmett's not even online!

soldierboi: FYI he is right next to me, in my room, on my laptop, messing with the keypad! So- please- dont- blame- me!!!!!

momma~esme: fine!!

stupidlamb: why did you do it edward?

sickmasochisticlion: ITS NOT MY FAULT! EMMETT DARED ME! BELLA WAS OUT, ALICE AND ROSE WERE GIVING NESSIE A MAKEOVER, CARLISLE AND ESME WERE HUNTING AND JASPER WAS IN 'HIS' CORNER SINGING FREAKIN TITANIC! WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO! MY VOLVO WAS AT STAKE IF I CHICKENED OUT OF THE DARE!

piXie: but they were my best shoes! You ruined them! You chose your volvo...over me? T_T

momma~esme: edward, we need to have the talk...YOU ARE A BOY, ALICE IS A GIRL! HEELS ARE FOR GIRLS! THEREFORE YOU DO NOT WEAR HER HEELS AND MY FEATHER BOA! ESPECIALLY WHILST SINGING 'BARBIE GIRL'!

stupidlamb: how come its on film?

sickmasochisticlion: emmett filmed me

soldierboi: _Near, far, wherever you are, I believe that the heart does go on _

piXie: SHUT IT JASPER!!!!

vampdoc: we need to give edward some help, and by help I mean therapy!

momma~esme: I think all our sons need help!


	3. Skittles, Dumbledore and A Divorce?

Chapter 3 – Skittles, Dumbledore and a Divorce?

Sorry I havn't updated in like...forever but life has been hectic at the moment and I couldn't think of any ideas and yeah...

Bella- StupidLamb

Edward-SickMasochisticLion

Alice-piXie

Jasper-SoldierBoi

Emmet-SexyButt

Rosalie-IceRose

Carlisle-VampDoc

Esme-Momma~Esme

* * *

-All signed in

**SexyButt-**Yo peoples, wossup

**SickMasochisticLion**-Are you feeling okay?

**piXie**-Edward, Emmet's never okay

**SickMasochisticLion**-Point made

**VampDoc**-Ok, I want everone to be honest... WHO THE HELL GAVE EMMETT SKITTLES?

-Tumbleweeds blow in the distance-

**SexyButt**-WHOOOOOOOOOOO! Who said skittles?

**SoldierBoi**-Uh Oh...SUGAR RUSH!

**StupidLamb-**Evacuate!

**PiXie**-Take cover, this could get ugly!

**SexyButt**-Where's my skittles T_T

**SoldierBoi**-I know, I know!

**SexyButt**- Ya?

**SoldierBoi**-At the Volturi's castle!

**SexyButt**-ROSE! GET THE JEEP! WE'RE OFF!

**Momma~Esme**-Jasper! That was a horrid thing to do!

**SoldierBoi**-Are you seriously telling me that your gonna miss him?

**Momma~Esme**-Well...

**SoldierBoi**-Esme, you're have been disowned by the Cullen family!

**Momma~Esme**-NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**SoldierBoi**-Admit it then

**Momma~Esme-**Er...I'm glad that my son's about to get killed by ravenous vampires?

**SoldierBoi**-I rest my case.

**PiXie**-Edward, get the freakin door

**SickMasochisticLion**-Huh...But no one's at the door...

**piXie**-EDWARD ANTHONY MASON CULLEN! IF YOU DON'T GET YOUR BUTT AT THE FRONT DOOR WITHIN THE NEXT 2 SECONDS, I WILL PERSONALLY-

**SickMasochisticLion**-Okay, Okay...I get the message.

**SickMasochisticLion**-No one's at the door!

**PiXie**-THEY WILL BE!

**SickMasochisticLion**-NOOOOOOOOOO!

**StupidLamb-**What is it honey?

**SickMasochisticLion**-Emmett's alive

**StupidLamb-**UH OH!

**SexyButt-**Hey all!

**SexyButt-**I said HEY ALL!

**piXie**-Go and kill yourself Emmett

**SexyButt-**I would but-

**SoldierBoi**-Carry on

**SexyButt-**THE VOLTURI ARE AFTER MY SKITTLES!

**SickMasochisticLion-**Dear God, Emmett you need help!

**SexyButt**-I know!

**PiXie**-Wow...Emmett has finally realised how mentally deluded he is.

**SexyButt**-I meant, I know that I need help in protecting my babies!

**VampDoc**-Your babies?

**SexyButt-**Yessums...My precious skittles.

**Momma~Esme**-Carlisle, call the shrink.

**SexyButt-**Yeah Carlisle, go call Dumbledore

**Vampdoc**-Dumbledore?

**SexyButt-**Yeah! The old guy with the beard and sparkly cloak. Wow, I can see a bright light! Come here my little light, come to Uncle Emmett.

**StupidLamb**-Emmett, Dumbledore's not a shrink

**SexyButt-**He is too. NO ONE CAN DENY OUR UNDYING LOVE!

**SoldierBoi**-Woah! You're serious, your emotions are hitting me intense!

**SexyButt**-Thats cause our love is strong and true

**SickMasochisticLion**-Wha-? You're in love with Dumbledore?

**SexyButt-**WOOOOOOOOH! I'm in love with Dumbledore!

**IceRose**-Everyone is Emmett, Everyone is**..**

**SexyButt**-Really? I'm not the only one?

**IceRose-**Oh my God Emmett! SARCASM!

**SexyButt-**sulk sulk. You hurt my feelings.

**IceRose**-Emmett...You don't have any feelings

**SexyButt**-I do too! Like my love for Dumbledore which can never be denied

**IceRose**-Why, oh why did I marry you?

**SexyButt**-Because I have a sexy butt!

**IceRose**-That was a damn rhetorical question you idiot!

**SexyButt-**A what?

**IceRose-**You weren't meant to answer it!

**SexyButt-**Then why did you ask?

**IceRose- …..**I want a divorce.


	4. The Idiocy of Emmett

Chapter 4- The Idiocy of Emmett

AN: Oh mai lord, I totally forgot about this story , sorry guyss …. Smiles all round and be happy? :D

**Stupidlamb, Pixie, SickMasochisticLion, SexyButt, Soldierboi, Icerose – all signed in**

StupidLamb: Emmett...

SexyButt: Yessums...

Pixie-We have something to tell you...

SexyButt- I'm already well aware of the fact that Carlisle gave Esme herp-

StupidLamb- WHAT?

SexyButt- Nothing. O.O

StupidLamb – What are you talking about?

SexyButt – What are YOU talking about?

Pixie: We're so very sorry...

SexyButt: JUST GET TO THE FRIGGIN POINT.

Stupidlamb: Well...uhmm..er...well...

Pixie: DUMBLEDORE'S DEAD!

SexyButt: Wow Alice, that's mean, even for you.

StupidLamb: She wasn't joking Emmett, we're so sorry, we'll give you a minute.

SexyButt: JASPERRRRR MY DEAREST BROTHERRRRRR!

Soldierboi: Er...yeah?

SexyButt: Do I have permission to kill your wife? :D

Soldierboi: **Sigh **What did she do this time?

SexyButt: The deranged little midget pixie killed my lover..

Soldierboi: ….That's nice.

SexyButt: Ooh, your sarcasm burns.

StupidLamb: Emmett...Alice didn't kill him.

SexyButt: ...She didn't?

StupidLamb: No..

SexyButt: EDWARRRRDDDDDDDDDD!

SickMasochisticLion: What?

SexyButt: You've been awfully quiet...should I be suspicious?

SickMasochisticLion: I worry for you, you have severe problems..

SexyButt: I DON'T NEED SOMEONE TO TELL ME THAT, KAY?

Pixie: Say what? OH MAI LAWD.

StupidLamb: ..Did he really just say that?

Pixie: I can't believe it! We need to have a party!

Soldierboi: No parties.

Pixie: Hmphh..But its a celebration! Emmett has finally become aware of his insanity!

Soldierboi: No parties.

Pixie: What if we jus-

Soldierboi: NO PARTIES, OKAY ALICE?

Sexybutt: I'm not finished with my investigation.. I need my suspects.

SickMasochisticLion: This is getting out of hand.

**MysteryPerson signed in**

MysteryPerson: Why hello, hello, hello...

Soldierboi: Who the bloody hell are you?

MysteryPerson: Well that would ruin my amazing screen name wouldn't it...Jasper?

Soldierboi: OKAY WHO TOLD THE POMPOUS FREAK MY NAME! D:

SexyButt: I KNOW WHO COMMITED THE CRIME...IT WAS HIM! Rose...my crowbar if you please.

IceRose: You don't have a crowbar Emmett...

SexyButt: WILL SOMEONE PLEASE GET ME A FREAKIN CROWBAR?

**A crowbar magically appears out of thin air**

SexyButt: Why thank you, see Rose, the air has more respect for me than you do.

StupidLamb: Wooaaahh, I thought that only happened in the movies! Someone's put a

curse on the house!

SickMasochisticLion: Bella...honey..think realistically, if that's not too much to ask from you. That sort of stuff just doesn't exist.

Stupidlamb: Well neither do vampires?

SickMasochisticLion: …..Good point.

Stupidlamb: I feel nauseous already, what if there's a ghost in the house?

MysteryPerson: Is anyone intimidated by my presence? :D

Pixie: Why the hell are you still here?

MysteryPerson: You are a very entertaining family to listen to you, you know.

SexyButt: DON'T THINK THAT I DON'T STILL HAVE THAT CROWBAR!

MysteryPerson: Oooh how scary. What are you lot even talking about?

SexyButt: You killed Dumbledore!

MysteryPerson: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, you have no idea how funny that is!

SexyButt: Phfft, it's not funny, it's heartbreaking.

MysteryPerson: The funny thing is... I DID kill him!

SexyButt: ...Rose...I think I need my chainsaw

MysteryPerson: Well that won't get you very far.

SexyButt: Why not?

MysteryPerson: How are you intending to find me? **Evil suspicious laughter**

**MysteryPerson signs out**

SexyButt: EUREKA! **Lightbulb flashes above head**

IceRose: Oh dear lord, Emmett's had an idea. God save our souls.

Stupidlamb: Emmett, were not in the mood to hijack the ice cream van again

SexyButt: Phfftt, that wasn't even my idea. WE NEED TO GO WATCH HARRY POTTER!

IceRose: Umm...why?

SexyButt: To find out who killed Dumbledore, so then we know who that creep was, and

then we can hunt him down and kill him!

Pixie: Oh God.

IceRose: Will it make you drop the subject if we do that for you?

SexyButt: Maaayyybbeeeesss...

IceRose: Grrr, fine.

-To be continued- :D


	5. The Idiocy of Emmett Continued?

The Idiocy of Emmett...Continued? 

New chapterrr :D Review my darling childrennn~~

For those of you who have seen Eclipse...HOW AWESOME! I loved it...so much that I saw it twice :) Jasper is still my favourite ;)

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

( 5 stars for pretty pattern :D Anyhoo, story time... )

**At the cinema**

"HOLY MONKEY NUGGETS, THAT'S HILARIOUS! BAHAHAHAHAH!" Emmett screeched, laughing maniacally. Rose clasped her hand over his mouth and belted him hard in the stomach, "Oh dear God...save me," she whispered.

"WHAT THE HELL GINNY? WASN'T ONE GUY ENOUGH? YOU PATHETIC TWO TIMING JERK!"

"Shhh!" Rose hissed at him.

She quickly slipped through the gap in the two seats in front, desperately needing to escape her emotionally unstable husband. She sunk deep into her new seat, hoping it would swallow her up. The sound of obscure sucking immediately distracted her. She turned to her left to see Bella on Edward's lap, the pair of them practically slobbering all over each other's faces.

"Nice guys...very nice," Rose muttered as she flitted through the next row of seats. She sat beside Alice and Jasper and was relieved to see that they weren't either screaming at the screen or snogging each other's faces off.

"Emmett close your eyes..." Alice called.

"...Huh?"

But it was too late...

"NOOOOOOOO!" Emmett howled.

Everyone in the cinema turned round to stare in our direction, hissing, murmuring, swearing and hushing.

**Back at the Cullen House**

IceRose: I can't _believe _you Emmett, you're an embarrassment to us all.

Soldierboi: Aren't we all forgetting something?

IceRose: Yes...Emmett's brain. No wait..sorry, he never even had a brain in the FIRST place.

Soldierboi: Break it up, break it up. You can bite each other's necks off later. Besides...haven't we found your Dumbledore's killer, Emmett?

SexyButt: Waahh? Where is he? Let me on him, GIVE HIIM TO ME NOW. I wanna kill him! I WANT HIM TO FEEL THE PAIN! Hang on...who is it?

IceRose: Oh God...

SexyButt: What? We're killing God? Wow...

IceRose: Shut up you total moron. Maybe you should actually pay attention to the movie instead of acting like an idiot.

Stupidlamb: Euurggh, at least _some _of us watching the movie..

IceRose: Phffft, you couldn't take your tongue of off your husband's!

Soldierboi: Okay okay, too much info guys. Anyway Emmett...it was...

SexyButt: Yeeesss...?

Soldierboi: ...Snape

Sexybutt: Snake? How the hell did a snake kill him?

Soldierboi: Snape, not snake.

SexyButt: **Le Gasspp!** The random dude with greasy hair and that black dress...Is it a transvestite?

Pixie: Well that was a totally pointless and stupid comment to make.

SexyButt: Rose, I think it's that time again!

IceRose: Should I be scared?

SexyButt: Will anyone ever let me finish?

IceRose: Fine..What time again?

SexyButt: Get the jeep!

IceRose: Isn't going to Volterra already this week enough for you? Do you HAVE a death wish?

SexyButt: Oh we're not going to Volterra. We're going to Hogwarts =D

SickMasochisticLion: You do realise that Harry Potter is fictional...right?

SexyButt: Don't crush my dreams Eddie boyyy.

SickMasochisticLion: Don't call me that.

SexyButt: Or else what?

SickMasochisticLion: I will kidnap Rose ;)

SexyButt: NO! That would ruin our sexual relationship!

SickMasochisticLion: Exactly ;)

SexyButt: Anyway...Who's with me?

Soldierboi: Emmett...there comes a time..when you must distinguish the difference between fantasy and reality.

SexyButt: Meaning you're not going to avenge Dumbledore!

Soldierboi: He's a dead fictional character, Emmett.

SexyButt: Don't rub it in!

Soldierboi: Seriously...what are you expecting to find?

SexyButt: Snape's dead body when I'm through with him.

Soldierboi: …..You're crazy

SexyButt: Hey now that's not my fault.

Pixie: You gonna blame Barney the Dinosaur on your insanity again? Last time you did that we almost got arrested, pshhh.

SexyButt: B..b...b...BUT...

Pixie: Forget it, and yes, just to clarify; Barney is fictional too.

SexyButt: WHY ARE ALL MY FRIENDS FICTIONAL!

**Silence**

**All sign out apart from SexyButt**

SexyButt: Aww c'mon guys, lets not have another "Everyone hates Emmett day". Guys...come on...please...


	6. Haribo, Geckos, and Jimbob Edgar

Chapter 6- Haribo, Geckos and Jimbob Edgar.

Hola peoples. Time for another chapter? I think so =3 Most of the stuff in this chapter is randomness that happened with me and my friends :D

Review and you get cyber hugsss :)

**Solierboi and pixie signed in**

Soldierboi: Alice!

Soldierboi:...Alice?...

Soldierboi: ALICE!

Soldierboi:...fine, ignore me...

Soldierboi: I can deal with that, pshhh, it's not as if I care...

Soldierboi:...ALICE, I LOVE YOU, PLEASE ANSWER ME...

Soldierboi: Fine, be that way. I'll just find a way to pass the time -.-"

**10 minutes later**

Soldierboi: BABY I LIKE IT, THE WAY YOU MOVE ON THE FLOO-OOORRRR.

**MommaEsme signed in**

Soldierboi: BOY YES I LIKE IT, C'MON AND GIMME SOM- …...hi mom...

MommaEsme: I could, urm, leave you two to it...if you want...

Soldierboi: Oh, we were just finishing.. o_o

**SexyButt signed in**

SexyButt: MY DARLIINNGGSSSSSS.

Soldierboi: …..Hi?

SexyButt: JASPER! LONG TIME NO SEE, BRO! HOW'RE YOU DOING?

Soldierboi: Emmett, you live in the room next to me..

SexyButt: I KNOW! I NEED TO COME OVER SOME TIME!

Soldierboi: …...

SexyButt: Or not. Gee, how'd I get in trouble this time?

Soldierboi: Eurgh, go do whatever you were doing before.

SexyButt: Well...That would result in Rose bei-

Soldierboi: DON'T WANT TO KNOW **WHAT** IT WAS, JUST GO DO IT AGAIN.

SexyButt: Gah, we're at it like bunnies these days, aren't we?

MommaEsme: Kay, thanks guys, feel free to talk about your sex lives when your mother ISN'T around.

SexyButt: MOM! I'VE MISSED YOU, I NEED TO VISIT YOU SOON.

MommaEsme: ...please don't.

SexyButt: Thanks Mom, thanks.

**MommaEsme signed out**

**SickMasochisticLion signed in**

SickMasochisticLion: YOU HAVE NO FREAKIN IDEA WHAT WE'VE BEEN MISSING OUT ON! O_O

SexyButt: say wha?

SickMasochisticLion: KIDS AND GROWN UPS LOVE THEM SO, THE HAPPY WORLD OF HARIII—IIIIBO.

SexyButt: Haribo?

SickMasochisticLion: DUDE, JUST TRY THE THINGS, THEY HAVE LIKE LITTLE GUMMY BEAR ONES, AND COLA BOTTLES AND EVERYTHING! LOOK HERE, THERE'S A RING ONE. EMMETT WILL YOU DO ME THE HONOU-

SexyButt: Edward...time to talk to your therapist...

SickMasochisticLion: Have you ever had that feeling? That you're covered in ape hair? As some sort of protection? Apparently it's really normal. So don't worry, no matter what people say, you do not need medication.

SexyButt: Ok, I actually feel relatively normal in comparison to you right now...

SickMasochisticLion: **Sends dancing pig wink**

SexyButt: **Sends wink back**

SickMasochisticLion: Oh it's on, brother ;)

SexyButt: Pshh, you know I'll win ;)

**20 minutes later**

SickMasochisticLion: OO ER, YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE WATER BOMB WINK OF DOO~~OOMM.

SexyButt: PHFFFTTT, GET OVER YOURSELF, I WON'T LOSE.

**20 more minutes later**

pixie: Agh, I forgot I left this open, I'll ju- …...WHOEVER SENT ALL THOSE WINKS I WILL PERSONALLY CUT OFF YOUR BALLS.

Soldierboi: Ah, hello darling :)

pixie: DON'T "DARLING" ME OR I'LL CUT YOUR'S OFF TOO! ….WITH A NAIL FILE!

**StupidLamb signed in**

Stupidlamb: AARRRRHHH

SickMasochisticLion: What is it honey? Is the baby coming? Are you hurt? Is there a 60 year old Russian paedophile in your room with a moustache and says his name is Pedro?

Stupidlamb: Edward...what the hell?

SickMasochisticLion: You're my wife, and I need to prepare for the worst.

Stupidlamb: Gee, now it doesn't seem that bad :/

SickMasochisticLion: What happened, oh darling lover of mine?

Stupidlamb: Please Edward, drop that, you sound like...SHAKESPEARE.

SickMasochisticLion: WHAT HAPPENED?

Stupidlamb: There's a gecko on my wall D:

SexyButt: NAAWWRRRRR. CAN I CALL HIM FRANCIS? CAN I, CAN I, CAN I?

Stupidlamb: AAAARRRHHHHHH!

SickMasochisticLion: Phfft, what happened this time? Someone deleted your iTunes playlist?

Stupidlamb: ….BABY...HURTING...KICKING...AAARRGGH.

Pixie: Baby? OH MY GOSH, I NEED TO PREPARE THE BABY SHOWER, I SO FORGOT.

Stupidlamb: Ahkk, I'm okay now. Little bugger keeps kicking.

Soldierboi: Ohhmmm, peace "little bugger", ohhhmm.

Pixie: We SO need to think of baby names!

SexyButt: I BET ON JIMBOB EDGAR.

Pixie: Ew, he'll grow up liking men if you name him that.

SexyButt: Erm, okay, that leaves: Gretel Beatrice, Victor Kenneth and Wanda Germima. Take your pick, Bells and Eddy :D

Stupidlamb: o_o I think we'll, errm, choose from a baby name book...thanks though...

SickMasochisticLion: You spin me right round, baby, right round, like a record baby, right round, right ro-ounnd.

Stupidlamb: Edward? _Please don't be gay, please don't be gay._

SickMasochisticLion: Yes, oh sweet woman of mine, to whom I love with all my heart?

Stupidlamb: …...never mind...

**AN: AHHKK, I'm running out of ideas...**

**Anyone got any suggestions :(**


End file.
